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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Biggest Upsets Of The Sochi Olympics

In major upsets, both snowboarder Shaun White and downhill skier Bode Miller came up short of the platform in their signature events at the Winter Olympic games. Here are some of the shocking surprises so far in Sochi:

  • In a momentous upset within the Halberstrom household, youngest daughter Libby sides with Dad and Brett, resulting in a 3-2 vote to watch Undercover Boss instead of figure skating
  • 15-year-old figure skating phenom Julia Lipnitskaia of Russia overtakes U.S. favorite Ashley Wagner as the one your grandma likes
  • Canada plays the U.S. in women’s hockey, upsetting a set of gender norms that help keep our society stable
  • All those guys somehow fit into that bobsled
  • The U.S. hockey team defeats the U.S.S.R. in Lake Placid, which for Dad still feels like it was yesterday
  • All-black Carter High School Olympic figure skating team manage to defeat rivals from St. Dominic’s Prep after inspiring speech from coach
  • Against all odds, Russian folk hero Ivan Tsarevich captures the Fire Bird’s feather, befriends the Gray Wolf, and lives happily ever after with Helen, his beloved
  • The irrepressible biathlon article “Belarus’ Domracheva Wins Olympic Gold” manages to exit the 24-hour news cycle in a mere 15 minutes, setting a new Olympic record
  • Someone not from the U.S. wins an event

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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