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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Biggest Upsets Of The Sochi Olympics

In major upsets, both snowboarder Shaun White and downhill skier Bode Miller came up short of the platform in their signature events at the Winter Olympic games. Here are some of the shocking surprises so far in Sochi:

  • In a momentous upset within the Halberstrom household, youngest daughter Libby sides with Dad and Brett, resulting in a 3-2 vote to watch Undercover Boss instead of figure skating
  • 15-year-old figure skating phenom Julia Lipnitskaia of Russia overtakes U.S. favorite Ashley Wagner as the one your grandma likes
  • Canada plays the U.S. in women’s hockey, upsetting a set of gender norms that help keep our society stable
  • All those guys somehow fit into that bobsled
  • The U.S. hockey team defeats the U.S.S.R. in Lake Placid, which for Dad still feels like it was yesterday
  • All-black Carter High School Olympic figure skating team manage to defeat rivals from St. Dominic’s Prep after inspiring speech from coach
  • Against all odds, Russian folk hero Ivan Tsarevich captures the Fire Bird’s feather, befriends the Gray Wolf, and lives happily ever after with Helen, his beloved
  • The irrepressible biathlon article “Belarus’ Domracheva Wins Olympic Gold” manages to exit the 24-hour news cycle in a mere 15 minutes, setting a new Olympic record
  • Someone not from the U.S. wins an event

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