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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots

Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:

  • Attack on boyhood town harboring '70s fat-Osama photos
  • Deploying top al-Qaeda operative Donald Trump to distract America from its real problems (plan completed)
  • Planting explosives on Mount Rushmore to turn George Washington into Jimmy Carter
  • Secretly replacing all M&Ms with Reese's Pieces
  • Repeatedly voting for the worst American Idol contestant, ruining the chances of those who really deserve to move on to the next round
  • Writing snide, dismissive comments on every Huffington Post story about Pakistan
  • Grinding the Internet to a standstill by enlisting mujahideen to all stream Netflix at the same time
  • Flying planes directly into lower Manhattan's 9/11 memorial (plan repeatedly placed on hold)

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