Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots

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Vol 47 Issue 20

Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consis...
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ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots

Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:

  • Attack on boyhood town harboring '70s fat-Osama photos
  • Deploying top al-Qaeda operative Donald Trump to distract America from its real problems (plan completed)
  • Planting explosives on Mount Rushmore to turn George Washington into Jimmy Carter
  • Secretly replacing all M&Ms with Reese's Pieces
  • Repeatedly voting for the worst American Idol contestant, ruining the chances of those who really deserve to move on to the next round
  • Writing snide, dismissive comments on every Huffington Post story about Pakistan
  • Grinding the Internet to a standstill by enlisting mujahideen to all stream Netflix at the same time
  • Flying planes directly into lower Manhattan's 9/11 memorial (plan repeatedly placed on hold)

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