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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots

Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:

  • Attack on boyhood town harboring '70s fat-Osama photos
  • Deploying top al-Qaeda operative Donald Trump to distract America from its real problems (plan completed)
  • Planting explosives on Mount Rushmore to turn George Washington into Jimmy Carter
  • Secretly replacing all M&Ms with Reese's Pieces
  • Repeatedly voting for the worst American Idol contestant, ruining the chances of those who really deserve to move on to the next round
  • Writing snide, dismissive comments on every Huffington Post story about Pakistan
  • Grinding the Internet to a standstill by enlisting mujahideen to all stream Netflix at the same time
  • Flying planes directly into lower Manhattan's 9/11 memorial (plan repeatedly placed on hold)

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