Birthday Card For David Axelrod Circling Around Afghan War Meeting

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Vol 47 Issue 08

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

Upcoming SIURT Reports

Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...

Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation

Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months: Large pumpkin dry heaves in fear as two young children attempt to take it home for Halloween (Pie...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

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