Black Friday Deals

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Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m. Thanksgiving night. Here are some of the doorbuster deals they have unveiled for the upcoming holiday shopping season:

  • Dollar Tree: Thirteen-ounce package of Li’l Dutch Maid Duplex Creme Cookies marked down to 75 cents between midnight and 6 a.m.
  • Kmart: Choice of complimentary Hi Ho Cherry-O board game or Ryobi cordless drill bit set for each scalp of a fellow shopper presented at checkout
  • Petsmart: Obligatory ferret with every purchase
  • Barnes & Noble: Free Barnes & Noble franchise location with the purchase of any Penguin Classic
  • Claire’s: Five-second express piercing
  • Bath & Body Works: Severed hand to moisturize with every purchase
  • Swarovski Crystal: One big slab of beef when you spend $50 or more
  • Yankee Candle: Half-off with student ID
  • Sears: Free receipts for the kids
  • Target: Eighty percent off any item in store as long as customer is willing to be hunted in aisles by manager
  • Bose Store: No. You pay full price.
  • Kohl’s: Complimentary all-encompassing sadness and pervasive sense that your life wasn’t supposed to be like this with every purchase from 8 p.m. Thursday to 9 a.m. Friday
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