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Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m. Thanksgiving night. Here are some of the doorbuster deals they have unveiled for the upcoming holiday shopping season:

  • Dollar Tree: Thirteen-ounce package of Li’l Dutch Maid Duplex Creme Cookies marked down to 75 cents between midnight and 6 a.m.
  • Kmart: Choice of complimentary Hi Ho Cherry-O board game or Ryobi cordless drill bit set for each scalp of a fellow shopper presented at checkout
  • Petsmart: Obligatory ferret with every purchase
  • Barnes & Noble: Free Barnes & Noble franchise location with the purchase of any Penguin Classic
  • Claire’s: Five-second express piercing
  • Bath & Body Works: Severed hand to moisturize with every purchase
  • Swarovski Crystal: One big slab of beef when you spend $50 or more
  • Yankee Candle: Half-off with student ID
  • Sears: Free receipts for the kids
  • Target: Eighty percent off any item in store as long as customer is willing to be hunted in aisles by manager
  • Bose Store: No. You pay full price.
  • Kohl’s: Complimentary all-encompassing sadness and pervasive sense that your life wasn’t supposed to be like this with every purchase from 8 p.m. Thursday to 9 a.m. Friday

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