Blackwater In The United States

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Blackwater In The United States

Since it was reported that Blackwater killed more than 25 Iraqi civilians in a seemingly unprovoked attack, it has also come to light that the security firm has numerous domestic contracts, including post-Katrina security and aiding in the drug war. What other domestic operations is it involved in?

Providing logistics, intelligence, counterterrorism, surveillance, face-painting, and canine services for the Nashua Kids Day Out! Festival

Authorized to use extreme force when keeping the greens at Pebble Beach squirrel-free

Strictly enforcing "You Must Be This Tall" markers at amusement parks

Reenacting Army Rangers' Somalia street battle in high school gymnasiums as part of Army recruitment drive

Crowd control outside the Today show

Ass-kicking as necessary to ensure success of No Child Left Behind Act

Checking receipts at Best Buy

Killing people who look like they're up to something

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