adBlockCheck

Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Blizzard Survival Tips

Meteorologists are forecasting that a major blizzard will hit the Northeast starting Monday night, with more than two feet of snow potentially shutting down roads and keeping residents from New Jersey to Maine stuck in their homes. Here are some tips for surviving blizzard conditions:

  • Grocery stores will quickly sell out of food during a blizzard, so be sure to stock up on supplies several days before you came across this article.
  • If any of your pets go outside for any reason, leave them there. They belong to the snows now.
  • Smear the blood of a lamb upon your doorposts so that the great low-pressure system spares your family as it passes over your home.
  • Purchase a CB radio to maintain lines of communication with the other lunatics in your neighborhood.
  • Steer wildly when you hit that first patch of ice.
  • Stockpile flint and colored beads. These will be important for bartering in the After Times.
  • Prepare by reading Jack London’s “To Build A Fire,” which will teach you how to keep warm when there is no sun nor hint of sun, though the sky is empty of clouds. And yet there seems an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that makes the day dark, and that is due to the absence of sun when day breaks cold and gray, exceedingly cold and gray.
  • Be one of those fucking people who clears out the whole shelf of bottled water at the store.
  • Keep frail young Frederick away from the windows, for he is consumptive, and a mere moment too long in the bluster could spell the end of his beautiful life.
  • Be aware that no matter what you do, sometimes you’re just going to be crushed by the sheer weight of the snow.
  • Criticize your mayor.

More from this section

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close