Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips

Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Tips For Training Your Dog

Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog
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Blizzard Survival Tips

Meteorologists are forecasting that a major blizzard will hit the Northeast starting Monday night, with more than two feet of snow potentially shutting down roads and keeping residents from New Jersey to Maine stuck in their homes. Here are some tips for surviving blizzard conditions:

  • Grocery stores will quickly sell out of food during a blizzard, so be sure to stock up on supplies several days before you came across this article.
  • If any of your pets go outside for any reason, leave them there. They belong to the snows now.
  • Smear the blood of a lamb upon your doorposts so that the great low-pressure system spares your family as it passes over your home.
  • Purchase a CB radio to maintain lines of communication with the other lunatics in your neighborhood.
  • Steer wildly when you hit that first patch of ice.
  • Stockpile flint and colored beads. These will be important for bartering in the After Times.
  • Prepare by reading Jack London’s “To Build A Fire,” which will teach you how to keep warm when there is no sun nor hint of sun, though the sky is empty of clouds. And yet there seems an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that makes the day dark, and that is due to the absence of sun when day breaks cold and gray, exceedingly cold and gray.
  • Be one of those fucking people who clears out the whole shelf of bottled water at the store.
  • Keep frail young Frederick away from the windows, for he is consumptive, and a mere moment too long in the bluster could spell the end of his beautiful life.
  • Be aware that no matter what you do, sometimes you’re just going to be crushed by the sheer weight of the snow.
  • Criticize your mayor.

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