HOLLINS, VAAppearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future, warned meeting attendees against building the proposed 12th Avenue Recreation Center. "I come from the year 2050, begging you to vote down the rec center before it's too late," said Clarke, sporting a metallic blazer and bowtie. "Before it's too late, for God's sake." Clarke was then vaporized by a raygun-wielding robotic lobbyist from 2079.
SANTA MONICA, CAAfter five years of counseling, psychotherapist Diana Berg is beginning to show cracks in her caring façade, patient Ian Cassell reported Tuesday. "When I told her how I still put everyone else's happiness above my own, she exhaled really loud, like she was exasperated," Cassell said. "Then she said, 'Well, we did talk about that last session, didn't we?'" Berg, who has had twice-weekly sessions with Cassell since 1998, said through gritted teeth that she suspects he doesn't really want to get better.
CHICAGOAfter witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.
WASHINGTON, DCAccording to Pentagon sources, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been wearing the same slightly dingy white Arrow Oxford shirt for four straight days. "I can tell it's the same one, because he got a drop of chili on it last Friday, and the spot is still there," Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said Monday. "I know Don's a busy guy, but it's really starting to look bad. I mean, it's all pitted out and everything." Wolfowitz added that Rumsfeld has worn the same pair of black wingtips "since we drove the Taliban out of Afghanistan."
As any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt (or chocolate!) knows, my two sweet kitties, Priscilla and Garfield, mean more to me than just about anything. (I guess hubby Rick would have to top the list, but between you, me, and the lamp post, sometimes I wish Rick would magically turn into a cuddly kitty himself!)
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Having found himself without others to interact with at a house party Wednesday, guest Ben Weaver reportedly attempted to enter a conversation by spending a few minutes just smiling and nodding at the edge of a circle of people.
SUNNYVALE, CA—Calling it a major breakthrough in interpreting natural linguistic patterns, technology company Voxil announced the release Thursday of a sophisticated new speech recognition program that factors in users’ mouths always being ful...