RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
TAL AFAR, IRAQ—Admitting it had stopped counting after the first dozen or so occasions upon which it passed from one fighting force to another, an American-made M4 carbine assault rifle confirmed Wednesday it was losing track of how many times it had switched sides during the ongoing war in Iraq.
LONDONーShortly after Leicester City’s improbable title run culminated in the club clinching their first championship, executives from the Premier League issued a statement Sunday vowing that order will soon be restored.
LEICESTER, ENGLAND—In anticipation of the club’s first-ever top-flight league championship in its 132-year history, officials from the Leicestershire Police announced Monday that they have deployed additional forces in order to join in with Leicester City fans celebrating their Premier League title.
MONACO—Saying they avoided the inner-city-state at all costs unless they had no other choice, Monaco residents admitted to reporters Friday they were terrified to walk through the principality’s sprawling penthousing projects.
NEW YORK—Taken completely by surprise upon reading his own name in a newspaper article about the Panama Papers, billionaire Frederick Weldon revealed to reporters Thursday that he had completely forgotten he even had funds stashed in the Seychelles.
NEW YORK—According to an alarming report released Friday by the United Nations, nearly 40 million acres of personal space were lost around the world in 2015, with data showing these vitally important yet extremely vulnerable regions are being wiped out at the fastest rate on record.
BEIJING—Noting that he can no longer walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing or suffering a debilitating coughing fit, Beijing resident Wei Feng admitted to reporters Thursday that his decades of regular breathing have really started to catch up with him.
WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
HAVANA—Officially closing the brief period of eased tensions between the two countries, the United States government severed all diplomatic ties to Cuba today after President Obama was reportedly hit in the face by a foul ball while attending an exhibition baseball game between the Cuban national team and the Tampa Bay Rays.
BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow.
RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video.
LONDON—In the latest effort by the NFL to expand the sport of football internationally, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Oakland Raiders held a postseason exhibition game Friday at London’s Wembley Stadium.
VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
QOM, IRAN—Running into the bathroom with armfuls of the fissile material after spotting several United Nations nuclear inspectors approaching for a surprise visit, panicked scientists at Iran’s Fordow Fuel Enrichment Plant reportedly scrambled to flush more than 200 pounds of enriched uranium-235 down the toilet Monday.
AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations.
ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat.
VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.
WASHINGTON—Saying their current process of establishing economic pacts had become stale and predictable, high-ranking government officials from the United States and China confirmed Monday that the two nations had decided to try spicing up their trade relationship by bringing a third country into their negotiations.