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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Breaking Down The New NFL Labor Agreement

The lockout has ended, and NFL players are finally in training camp under a new deal with the league. We look at exactly what the players and owners agreed to.

  • Value of touchdowns has been increased by 10 percent, making them now worth 6.6 points
  • Undrafted free agents may now be referred to as “football-playing things” and “hunks of meat”
  • Tom Brady gets extra $75.91 out of new CBA
  • Schedule remains 16 games, but there will be two additional preseason games that count toward regular-season record
  • Teams are permitted and encouraged to terminate one player named Ray Lewis within the next 10 days
  • Nobody going to bother with whatever revenue Jacksonville Jaguars manage to collect
  • Really, neither side is ever going to feel like it’s making enough, so just expect to pay $65 for your favorite team's official T-shirt
  • Rookies will no longer be paid

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