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Breaking Down The Tournament's Top Seeds

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Breaking Down The Tournament's Top Seeds

Being a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament doesn't guarantee a Final Four berth, but it does automatically make your team the subject of in-depth analysis. Here are how the top four teams stack up:

OHIO STATE

  • Strengths: If you look closely, the numbers prove the Buckeyes have already won the tournament
  • Weaknesses: Because they can win playing high-tempo or low-tempo, they will lose when they forget to choose one

KANSAS

  • Strengths: In addition to strong shooting and defense, the Jayhawks have the added bonus of not being Duke
  • Weaknesses: Although the Morris twins have been solid all year, that doesn't change the fact that twins are weird

DUKE

  • Strengths: Blue Devils have the best chance of repeating as champions, since no other team won the tournament last year
  • Weaknesses: At this point, it' s no longer a good thing that Bobby Hurley's still on the team

PITT

  • Strengths: This tough defensive team won't get blown out when they lose early in the tournament
  • Weaknesses: Panthers have some players who can do it all; unfortunately, they also have players who literally can't do anything

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