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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Breaking Down The Tournament's Top Seeds

Being a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament doesn't guarantee a Final Four berth, but it does automatically make your team the subject of in-depth analysis. Here are how the top four teams stack up:

OHIO STATE

  • Strengths: If you look closely, the numbers prove the Buckeyes have already won the tournament
  • Weaknesses: Because they can win playing high-tempo or low-tempo, they will lose when they forget to choose one

KANSAS

  • Strengths: In addition to strong shooting and defense, the Jayhawks have the added bonus of not being Duke
  • Weaknesses: Although the Morris twins have been solid all year, that doesn't change the fact that twins are weird

DUKE

  • Strengths: Blue Devils have the best chance of repeating as champions, since no other team won the tournament last year
  • Weaknesses: At this point, it' s no longer a good thing that Bobby Hurley's still on the team

PITT

  • Strengths: This tough defensive team won't get blown out when they lose early in the tournament
  • Weaknesses: Panthers have some players who can do it all; unfortunately, they also have players who literally can't do anything

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