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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster

With the United States set to take on Ghana in their first match of the 2014 World Cup, Onion Sports takes a look at the notable players on the U.S. roster:

  • Clint Dempsey (Forward, Team Captain): Like several other players on the team with dual citizenship, Dempsey has chosen to play for the United States rather than his native country of Texas
  • Michael Bradley (Midfielder): The highly rated midfielder is key to the U.S. progressing past the group stage in the minds of many delusional fans
  • Omar Gonzalez (Defender): One of the most talented young stars in the MLS, Gonzalez can give the team the spark it needs to lose in a slightly less humiliating fashion
  • Brad Davis (Midfielder): One of the first 10 Brad Davises who appears when you Google “Brad Davis”
  • Kyle Beckerman (Midfielder): Has dreadlocks. That’s it. That’s the identity he’s chosen for himself.
  • Chris Wondolowski (Forward): Possesses the ability to move his legs and the willingness to play up front, both of which are crucial components of becoming a successful U.S. national team striker
  • DeAndre Yedlin (Defender): A controversial choice for the final 23-man roster, critics allege the inexperienced Yedlin only made the U.S. squad due to his owning the team’s sole soccer ball
  • Julian Green (Midfielder): At just 18 years of age, Green still has a fighting chance to do something else with his life
  • Tim Howard (Goalkeeper): The veteran goalkeeper relies on his quick reflexes and agility to get U.S. fans’ hopes up
  • Connor Huntsman (Midfielder): Isn’t a real soccer player. This name was made up, but there’s no way you would have known that.
  • Jozy Altidore (Forward): Based on his scoring record for English club team Sunderland last season, is on pace to score a goal sometime during the 2030 World Cup
  • Landon Donovan (Forward): Quite possibly the greatest American soccer player of all time and just the veteran presence this U.S. team needs to hold their own in Brazil

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