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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster

With the United States set to take on Ghana in their first match of the 2014 World Cup, Onion Sports takes a look at the notable players on the U.S. roster:

  • Clint Dempsey (Forward, Team Captain): Like several other players on the team with dual citizenship, Dempsey has chosen to play for the United States rather than his native country of Texas
  • Michael Bradley (Midfielder): The highly rated midfielder is key to the U.S. progressing past the group stage in the minds of many delusional fans
  • Omar Gonzalez (Defender): One of the most talented young stars in the MLS, Gonzalez can give the team the spark it needs to lose in a slightly less humiliating fashion
  • Brad Davis (Midfielder): One of the first 10 Brad Davises who appears when you Google “Brad Davis”
  • Kyle Beckerman (Midfielder): Has dreadlocks. That’s it. That’s the identity he’s chosen for himself.
  • Chris Wondolowski (Forward): Possesses the ability to move his legs and the willingness to play up front, both of which are crucial components of becoming a successful U.S. national team striker
  • DeAndre Yedlin (Defender): A controversial choice for the final 23-man roster, critics allege the inexperienced Yedlin only made the U.S. squad due to his owning the team’s sole soccer ball
  • Julian Green (Midfielder): At just 18 years of age, Green still has a fighting chance to do something else with his life
  • Tim Howard (Goalkeeper): The veteran goalkeeper relies on his quick reflexes and agility to get U.S. fans’ hopes up
  • Connor Huntsman (Midfielder): Isn’t a real soccer player. This name was made up, but there’s no way you would have known that.
  • Jozy Altidore (Forward): Based on his scoring record for English club team Sunderland last season, is on pace to score a goal sometime during the 2030 World Cup
  • Landon Donovan (Forward): Quite possibly the greatest American soccer player of all time and just the veteran presence this U.S. team needs to hold their own in Brazil

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