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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster

With the United States set to take on Ghana in their first match of the 2014 World Cup, Onion Sports takes a look at the notable players on the U.S. roster:

  • Clint Dempsey (Forward, Team Captain): Like several other players on the team with dual citizenship, Dempsey has chosen to play for the United States rather than his native country of Texas
  • Michael Bradley (Midfielder): The highly rated midfielder is key to the U.S. progressing past the group stage in the minds of many delusional fans
  • Omar Gonzalez (Defender): One of the most talented young stars in the MLS, Gonzalez can give the team the spark it needs to lose in a slightly less humiliating fashion
  • Brad Davis (Midfielder): One of the first 10 Brad Davises who appears when you Google “Brad Davis”
  • Kyle Beckerman (Midfielder): Has dreadlocks. That’s it. That’s the identity he’s chosen for himself.
  • Chris Wondolowski (Forward): Possesses the ability to move his legs and the willingness to play up front, both of which are crucial components of becoming a successful U.S. national team striker
  • DeAndre Yedlin (Defender): A controversial choice for the final 23-man roster, critics allege the inexperienced Yedlin only made the U.S. squad due to his owning the team’s sole soccer ball
  • Julian Green (Midfielder): At just 18 years of age, Green still has a fighting chance to do something else with his life
  • Tim Howard (Goalkeeper): The veteran goalkeeper relies on his quick reflexes and agility to get U.S. fans’ hopes up
  • Connor Huntsman (Midfielder): Isn’t a real soccer player. This name was made up, but there’s no way you would have known that.
  • Jozy Altidore (Forward): Based on his scoring record for English club team Sunderland last season, is on pace to score a goal sometime during the 2030 World Cup
  • Landon Donovan (Forward): Quite possibly the greatest American soccer player of all time and just the veteran presence this U.S. team needs to hold their own in Brazil

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