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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster

With the United States set to take on Ghana in their first match of the 2014 World Cup, Onion Sports takes a look at the notable players on the U.S. roster:

  • Clint Dempsey (Forward, Team Captain): Like several other players on the team with dual citizenship, Dempsey has chosen to play for the United States rather than his native country of Texas
  • Michael Bradley (Midfielder): The highly rated midfielder is key to the U.S. progressing past the group stage in the minds of many delusional fans
  • Omar Gonzalez (Defender): One of the most talented young stars in the MLS, Gonzalez can give the team the spark it needs to lose in a slightly less humiliating fashion
  • Brad Davis (Midfielder): One of the first 10 Brad Davises who appears when you Google “Brad Davis”
  • Kyle Beckerman (Midfielder): Has dreadlocks. That’s it. That’s the identity he’s chosen for himself.
  • Chris Wondolowski (Forward): Possesses the ability to move his legs and the willingness to play up front, both of which are crucial components of becoming a successful U.S. national team striker
  • DeAndre Yedlin (Defender): A controversial choice for the final 23-man roster, critics allege the inexperienced Yedlin only made the U.S. squad due to his owning the team’s sole soccer ball
  • Julian Green (Midfielder): At just 18 years of age, Green still has a fighting chance to do something else with his life
  • Tim Howard (Goalkeeper): The veteran goalkeeper relies on his quick reflexes and agility to get U.S. fans’ hopes up
  • Connor Huntsman (Midfielder): Isn’t a real soccer player. This name was made up, but there’s no way you would have known that.
  • Jozy Altidore (Forward): Based on his scoring record for English club team Sunderland last season, is on pace to score a goal sometime during the 2030 World Cup
  • Landon Donovan (Forward): Quite possibly the greatest American soccer player of all time and just the veteran presence this U.S. team needs to hold their own in Brazil

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