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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine

The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts.

  • Chris Givens: Stepped foot in an NFL stadium for the first time and immediately died
  • Andrew Luck: Scouts didn't even pay attention to anything he did, as Indianapolis is going to take him no matter what, so really, why do they even bother? Being a scout sucks
  • Morris Claiborne: Failed to account for finite temperature effects on the spin polarization of neutron matter when taking the nuclear physics portion of the Wonderlic
  • Aaron Rodgers: Struck many scouts as arrogant and egotistical when he failed to show and claimed exemption, having already been drafted years ago
  • Trent Richardson: Performed best among all running backs in wearing the shit out of some Under Armour
  • Brandon Weeden: Was unable to offset fears about his age when measurements showed he had aged 42 years between the Fiesta Bowl and the combine
  • Robert Griffin III: Disappointed scouts looking for the next Tim Tebow after repeatedly throwing the ball directly to receivers with commendable accuracy
  • Dontari Poe: Confused scouts by only tallying two bench-press reps, but at 24,765 pounds each

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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