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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine

The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts.

  • Chris Givens: Stepped foot in an NFL stadium for the first time and immediately died
  • Andrew Luck: Scouts didn't even pay attention to anything he did, as Indianapolis is going to take him no matter what, so really, why do they even bother? Being a scout sucks
  • Morris Claiborne: Failed to account for finite temperature effects on the spin polarization of neutron matter when taking the nuclear physics portion of the Wonderlic
  • Aaron Rodgers: Struck many scouts as arrogant and egotistical when he failed to show and claimed exemption, having already been drafted years ago
  • Trent Richardson: Performed best among all running backs in wearing the shit out of some Under Armour
  • Brandon Weeden: Was unable to offset fears about his age when measurements showed he had aged 42 years between the Fiesta Bowl and the combine
  • Robert Griffin III: Disappointed scouts looking for the next Tim Tebow after repeatedly throwing the ball directly to receivers with commendable accuracy
  • Dontari Poe: Confused scouts by only tallying two bench-press reps, but at 24,765 pounds each

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