Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine

The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts.

  • Chris Givens: Stepped foot in an NFL stadium for the first time and immediately died
  • Andrew Luck: Scouts didn't even pay attention to anything he did, as Indianapolis is going to take him no matter what, so really, why do they even bother? Being a scout sucks
  • Morris Claiborne: Failed to account for finite temperature effects on the spin polarization of neutron matter when taking the nuclear physics portion of the Wonderlic
  • Aaron Rodgers: Struck many scouts as arrogant and egotistical when he failed to show and claimed exemption, having already been drafted years ago
  • Trent Richardson: Performed best among all running backs in wearing the shit out of some Under Armour
  • Brandon Weeden: Was unable to offset fears about his age when measurements showed he had aged 42 years between the Fiesta Bowl and the combine
  • Robert Griffin III: Disappointed scouts looking for the next Tim Tebow after repeatedly throwing the ball directly to receivers with commendable accuracy
  • Dontari Poe: Confused scouts by only tallying two bench-press reps, but at 24,765 pounds each


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