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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Britain To Chart Happiness

Beginning in the spring of 2011, the government of the United Kingdom will conduct regular surveys of the happiness and well-being of its citizens. Here are some of the variables that will be measured:

  • Ratio of compliments received per pounds spent on shoes
  • How often you check that no one's looking and say, "Tits"
  • How often one sells out the Royal Albert Hall
  • Stiffness vs. pliability of upper lip
  • Distance in miles from Simon Cowell
  • How often one has just the perfect bit of beans on toast
  • Number of perfectly good pieces of string salvaged from the rubbish bin on monthly basis
  • Number of fake laughs per hour vs. number of sad laughs per hour

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