WASHINGTON, DC—Military and political strategists agreed Monday that President Bush's re-election campaign has been executed with greater precision than the war in Iraq. "Judging from the initial misrepresentation of intelligence data and the ongoing crisis in Najaf, I assumed the president didn't know his ass from his elbow," said Col. Dale Henderson, a military advisor during the Reagan Administration. "But on the campaign trail, he's proven himself a master of long-term planning and unflinching determination. How else can you explain his strength in the polls given this economy?" Henderson said he regrets having characterized Bush's handling of the war as "incompetent," now that he knows the president's mind was simply otherwise occupied.
TIGARD, ORAlthough 4-year-old Mia Benson is currently amusing everyone at The Sundial Café, employee Kelli Doon wondered Monday how much longer patrons might be tolerant of her childish antics. "Yes, it was very cute when [Benson] was running around making choo-choo-train sounds," Doon said, wiping the counter with a rag, her eyes trained on Benson. "And everyone laughed when she asked that stranger if she could have his cookie. But really, she's been demanding everyone's attention for, like, 15 minutes. Is it time to step in?" Doon said she plans to move closer to the milk carafes, to better ascertain whether she should intervene.
PLAINS, GAFemale employees at Peachtree Financial filed a joint complaint against assistant manager Dean Marchand Monday for repeated acts of sexual indiscrimination in the workplace. "Dean is willing to sleep with anyone who propositions him," human-resources manager Jan Harris said. "Whether it's Kelly, that pretty blonde from sales, or Marta, that grouchy skank in accounting, Dean doesn't seem to care." Harris added that Marchand is a smart, nice, well-dressed guy who should hold himself to higher standards.
NEW YORKDale Herring, on vacation from Wichita, KS, admitted Monday that he missed his TV remote control. "At first, I was taken with the hotel's remote, and the sheer number of buttonsnot to mention the breathtaking view of the on-screen menu guide," Herring said. "But the truth is, I can't wait to get back to the simplicity and familiarity of my own clicker." Herring added that he'll definitely go see the Empire State Building the next time he visits New York.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.
ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.