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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Budweiser Can Sports New Look

Budweiser, the second-bestselling beer in the United States, is giving its can a new design featuring red, blue, and gold motif. Here are some other changes the can has undergone over the years:

  • 1936: The first Budweiser can was introduced as a convenient alternative to making the trip to the brewery to use the public straws
  • 1939: Forced to switch its motto from "Führer of Beers" to "King of Beers"
  • 1963: No longer required a unique handwritten note from the guy at the bottling plant detailing each can's personal history
  • 1976: Removed the words "Tastes like ferrets smell if it's not ice-cold" from the Budweiser Pledge
  • 1979: Limited-edition cans in select cities offered handy back-road tips for the drunk driver
  • 1981: Switched from normal horizontal text to vertical text after market research showed most people reaching for Buds were lying sideways on a floor
  • 1983: Started using lids to cover the exposed top portion of the can
  • 1999: To commemorate the U.S. triumph in the Women's World Cup, Anheuser-Busch released a collection of 31 cans, each emblazoned with the logo of a different NFL franchise
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