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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Bush To Double AIDS Funding

President Bush is seeking to double the amount the U.S. is spending to fight global AIDS to $30 billion in five years. Where will the money go?

$10 billion – Programs to get people off AIDS and back to work

$30 million – Equipping future Black Hawks with crates of pamphlets and condoms, so next time won't be a total loss

$1.5 billion – Installing particularly vicious anti-AIDS dictator in Uganda

$17 million – Global campaign to promote dry humping

$1,137.62 – AIDS-vaccine research

$8.2 billion – Guns to shoot AIDS with

$15 billion – Faith-based initiatives

$.41 – Strongly worded letter to AIDS

$14.80 – Nameplate for AIDS czar

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