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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush's New 'War Czar'

President Bush has appointed Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as "war czar." What will Lute's duties entail?

Living high off the sweat and labor of the war serfs

Filing appropriate paperwork so that the right shit gets blown up

Ghostwriting Bush's memoir about the past six years, War Musin'

Placing courtesy calls to retired generals and politely requesting that they lay off for a while

Delivering the bluster of 10 men

Creating morale-boosting activities for the troops that do not involve them coming home

Regularly briefing the president on how he's liking being the new war czar

Answering phones, light typing, fall-taking

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