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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Bush's Surveillance Act

President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with warrantless wiretapping. Here are some of the provisions of the bill:

Federal agents have the right to intercept phone calls, read text messages, and listen in when you're whispering secrets to your friends without obtaining a warrant

Federal law enforcement officials, when asked to produce a warrant, are allowed to punch the inquiring individual in the mouth and say, "There's your warrant!"

Broadens the government's right to overhear free speech

Allows Department of Agriculture to wiretap suspicious-looking livestock

Investigators may interrupt any phone call and tell long-winded speakers to get to the point

Suspected terrorists who do not have long-distance service will be issued free phone cards

Bush gets another four years

Gives the Department of Homeland Security free rein to request a full book report on any book an individual has checked out of the library

American citizens cannot be spied on, with the exception of all of them

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