adBlockCheck

Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bush's Surveillance Act

President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with warrantless wiretapping. Here are some of the provisions of the bill:

Federal agents have the right to intercept phone calls, read text messages, and listen in when you're whispering secrets to your friends without obtaining a warrant

Federal law enforcement officials, when asked to produce a warrant, are allowed to punch the inquiring individual in the mouth and say, "There's your warrant!"

Broadens the government's right to overhear free speech

Allows Department of Agriculture to wiretap suspicious-looking livestock

Investigators may interrupt any phone call and tell long-winded speakers to get to the point

Suspected terrorists who do not have long-distance service will be issued free phone cards

Bush gets another four years

Gives the Department of Homeland Security free rein to request a full book report on any book an individual has checked out of the library

American citizens cannot be spied on, with the exception of all of them

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close