Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009

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Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009

Thus far, 2009 is shaping up to be a tough year for businesses, with three large companies—telecommunications giant Nortel, chemical company Tronox, and Equal sweetener manufacturer Merisant Worldwide—having filed for bankruptcy within the first two weeks of January. What other businesses are on the brink of Chapter 11 and why?

Ann Taylor—Company over-projected demand for lingerie featuring large shoulder pads.

Brink's—Truck carrying entire contents of company treasury was robbed

Enron—In-house accountants conceded that the company has been underperforming of late

Suncoast Video—Though your local store has been gone for 10 years, they still haven't filled its spot in the mall

Sunoco—Entrusted company leadership to a lady

Hanes—Tough times have caused people to immediately abandon their underwear

Sean John—After conquering the fashion and fragrance worlds, hip-hop mogul Sean Combs' brand made a disastrous foray into pharmaceuticals

Eddie Bauer—Nuclear meltdown on Vermont–New Hampshire border eliminated 70 percent of the company's customer base

Citigroup—Bet tens of billions of dollars that people with no verifiable income could afford expensive houses, which, when you think about it, was pretty stupid

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