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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Calderón's Communication Breakdown

When Mexican president Felipe Calderón spoke at the White House last week, the translation his office provided was grammatically incorrect and riddled with errors that sometimes changed his message altogether. Here are a few of the mistakes:

  • He Said: "Increased free trade will lead to greater economic freedom for all."
    Translated As: "The selling of things will be good for everybody who likes to buy things with money."
  • He Said: "I strongly disagree with the recently adopted law in Arizona."
    Translated As: "As a strong, recent man, I disagree with Arizona adoption law."
  • He Said: "Mexico pledges all its efforts to curb narcotics trafficking."
    Translated As: "Mexico will continue to feed America's voracious appetite for drugs, regardless of what our government does."
  • He Said: "If you work with me, I will tell you where the buried gold is."
    Translated As: "Let us work together for the prosperity of our great nations."
  • He Said: "Let us not allow our children to grow up in a world where the U.S. and Mexico are enemies."
    Translated As: "We are at war. Your children will all die."
  • He Said: "Our people risk their lives to come here and work hard in your fields and orchards."
    Translated As: "We come here like crazy people to grab your apples."
  • He Said: "Let's work to craft a legacy inspiring joy and vision."
    Translated As: "Kraftwerk's legacy inspired Joy Division."
  • He Said: "We're taking back Texas, fuckos!"
    Translated As: "Our two nations have never been closer."

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