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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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California Facing Drought

With this spring being the driest on record for much of the state, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared California to be in an official drought. What is being done to offset the effects of the water crisis?

Gardeners must haul their own water from Mexico

Wolfgang Puck to unveil new line of waterless meals

Upon the conclusion of each Shamu Show at San Diego's SeaWorld, all persons seated in the Splash Zone must wring out their wet clothes over the lip of the orca tank

Local radio stations required to play Garbage's "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" on the hour

San Francisco will probably think up something young and hip to do

Wildfires only allowed to rage out of control on odd-numbered days

Spending $40 million to promote Napa Valley's new Chunky Pinot Noir

Top scientific minds will be summoned to see if they can somehow utilize the immense body of water immediately to the state's left

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