adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

California Facing Drought

With this spring being the driest on record for much of the state, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared California to be in an official drought. What is being done to offset the effects of the water crisis?

Gardeners must haul their own water from Mexico

Wolfgang Puck to unveil new line of waterless meals

Upon the conclusion of each Shamu Show at San Diego's SeaWorld, all persons seated in the Splash Zone must wring out their wet clothes over the lip of the orca tank

Local radio stations required to play Garbage's "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" on the hour

San Francisco will probably think up something young and hip to do

Wildfires only allowed to rage out of control on odd-numbered days

Spending $40 million to promote Napa Valley's new Chunky Pinot Noir

Top scientific minds will be summoned to see if they can somehow utilize the immense body of water immediately to the state's left

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close