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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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California Passes Anti-Gay Marriage Legislation

Proposition 8, the California measure that bans same-sex marriage, passed by a 52 percent to 48 percent margin. What reasons did people give for voting for it?

17% Always vote yes to everything

5% Proposition was a lot of reading

11% Thought it would be last good opportunity to deny someone civil rights

2% Unhappily married gay people too lazy to get a divorce

4% Still trying to prove not gay after that one night with Sean

16% Marriages are already gay enough

.001% Love and support their son Frederick, but didn't want to see him make a mistake by marrying that good-for-nothing Manuel

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