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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records

During its first five days on the shelves, Activision's latest installment in the first-person-shooter video game franchise Call Of Duty brought in $550 million worldwide. What are the reasons for its popularity?

  • Somehow knows names and places of battles that are set to take place in the next few weeks
  • Multiplayer mode enables you to connect with friends, nonstop action prevents them from drawing you into meaningful conversation
  • 5,000 or more hours of game play qualifies player for VA health care
  • Not much good on TV
  • When you shoot barrels, they explode
  • The controller rumbles when your character is hit with a bullet, which is exactly what the human body does
  • Dutiful young Americans realizing just what they are being called to do
  • Offers homosexuals only opportunity to serve openly in the military

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