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Campus Security Measures Increased

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Campus Security Measures Increased

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:

Each freshman issued a condom and a throwing star during orientation

Mothers of students encouraged to call more frequently, just to make sure everything is okay

Security cameras shut off to prevent any potential heart-wrenching footage in the event of a shooting

Dormitory RAs have been formally deputized and are now armed

School dean added a little something about "not doing school shootings" at the end of his matriculation speech

Campus bookstore to carry Kevlar hoodies

All university cafeteria food now fortified with extra calcium

Depressed loners to be banned from college

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