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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Campus Security Measures Increased

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:

Each freshman issued a condom and a throwing star during orientation

Mothers of students encouraged to call more frequently, just to make sure everything is okay

Security cameras shut off to prevent any potential heart-wrenching footage in the event of a shooting

Dormitory RAs have been formally deputized and are now armed

School dean added a little something about "not doing school shootings" at the end of his matriculation speech

Campus bookstore to carry Kevlar hoodies

All university cafeteria food now fortified with extra calcium

Depressed loners to be banned from college

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