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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Campus Security Measures Increased

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:

Each freshman issued a condom and a throwing star during orientation

Mothers of students encouraged to call more frequently, just to make sure everything is okay

Security cameras shut off to prevent any potential heart-wrenching footage in the event of a shooting

Dormitory RAs have been formally deputized and are now armed

School dean added a little something about "not doing school shootings" at the end of his matriculation speech

Campus bookstore to carry Kevlar hoodies

All university cafeteria food now fortified with extra calcium

Depressed loners to be banned from college

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