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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Campus Security Measures Increased

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:

Each freshman issued a condom and a throwing star during orientation

Mothers of students encouraged to call more frequently, just to make sure everything is okay

Security cameras shut off to prevent any potential heart-wrenching footage in the event of a shooting

Dormitory RAs have been formally deputized and are now armed

School dean added a little something about "not doing school shootings" at the end of his matriculation speech

Campus bookstore to carry Kevlar hoodies

All university cafeteria food now fortified with extra calcium

Depressed loners to be banned from college

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