WASHINGTON—Saying the deadly mishap had no impact whatsoever on mortality rates in any demographic, a new Pew Research Center study released Tuesday found that zero percent of people die from getting their fingers lodged in a bowling ball and being dragged down the lane.
FORT MYER, VA—President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U.S. was committed to fighting insurgents in Afghanistan until an unconditional victory was secured, or until he changed his mind, got distracted by something else, thought the war was reflecting poorly on him, or got bored with the whole thing.
WASHINGTON—Citing the permanent damage that can result from even one second of unfiltered exposure to their ghastly visages, the American Astronomical Society cautioned Americans on Monday not to look directly at the screaming spirits of the damned during the solar eclipse.
WASHINGTON—Willing to concede the country was a failure but reluctant to be all alone in saying so, a poll released Monday found that a majority of Americans were ready to give up on the U.S. if someone else goes first.
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Marvelling at the potential a child of such noble blood could possess, sources within a group of real estate insiders revealed Monday that they are keeping a close eye on the newborn sired by a three-time Re/Max sales champion.
RUTHERFORD, CA—Reminiscing to reporters about his 1972 classic ‘The Godfather,’ filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola said Saturday that while he remained proud of the movie’s iconic opening wedding scene, he conceded that it could have used a lot more lasagna.
WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder.
BARCELONA, SPAIN—In a show of solidarity following the terrorist attack that left 14 dead and over 100 injured in Barcelona, Spain, European leaders stood together Friday to say loud and clear that they were scared as fuck and didn’t know what to do.
Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores.
WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday.
OXNARD, CA—His heart pounding in fear as he stared at the unread message in his inbox, area man Joe Dubbin reportedly checked Gmail at 11 p.m. Sunday night to discover a horrifying email from his ex-girlfriend titled simply “A few things.”