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Cancer Death Rate Dropping

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Cancer Death Rate Dropping

According to the American Cancer Society, cancer deaths are down for the second straight year. Here are some reasons why:

Recently discovered strain of life-prolonging colon cancer

New government program designed to educate public about dangers of eating uranium

Healthier diets, earlier diagnosis, ball-checking—all that shit

In 2004, all power lines were redirected to only go over one guy's house

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ

'Cancer-Reducing Greg' has doubled his workload

Simple statistical fluke

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