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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cancer Death Rate Dropping

According to the American Cancer Society, cancer deaths are down for the second straight year. Here are some reasons why:

Recently discovered strain of life-prolonging colon cancer

New government program designed to educate public about dangers of eating uranium

Healthier diets, earlier diagnosis, ball-checking—all that shit

In 2004, all power lines were redirected to only go over one guy's house

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ

'Cancer-Reducing Greg' has doubled his workload

Simple statistical fluke

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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