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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Candidates' Debate Preparations

Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the best possible impression on voters. Here’s how they’re preparing:

  • Romney engaging in practice debates with only black member of his campaign staff
  • Romney encouraged to pump up local crowd by making repeated references to the “Denver Broncos National Football League professional football team”
  • Obama staffers sending president’s suit to be professionally dry-cleaned
  • To put him at ease during nerve-racking debate, Romney will visualize the entire audience as rich
  • Along campaign trail, aides randomly pelting Obama with oranges that have a picture of Mitt Romney’s face taped to them
  • Handlers advising Romney to show some fire in his belly by just having him scream in response to any question the moderator asks him
  • Big smiles!
  • Color consultants working around the clock to dye Romney’s hair just the right shade of Reagan brown
  • Romney camp hiding all newspapers so he goes into the debate with confidence

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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