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Candidates' Debate Preparations

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Candidates' Debate Preparations

Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the best possible impression on voters. Here’s how they’re preparing:

  • Romney engaging in practice debates with only black member of his campaign staff
  • Romney encouraged to pump up local crowd by making repeated references to the “Denver Broncos National Football League professional football team”
  • Obama staffers sending president’s suit to be professionally dry-cleaned
  • To put him at ease during nerve-racking debate, Romney will visualize the entire audience as rich
  • Along campaign trail, aides randomly pelting Obama with oranges that have a picture of Mitt Romney’s face taped to them
  • Handlers advising Romney to show some fire in his belly by just having him scream in response to any question the moderator asks him
  • Big smiles!
  • Color consultants working around the clock to dye Romney’s hair just the right shade of Reagan brown
  • Romney camp hiding all newspapers so he goes into the debate with confidence

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