adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Candidates' Last-Minute Appeals To Voters

With Election Day less than a week away, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are urgently barnstorming through key battleground states. Here are some of their last-minute efforts to secure crucial votes:

  • Sioux City, IA: At a campaign stop, Romney declares the apple pie at Ruth’s Diner the “most satisfactory pie in the state”
  • Marysville, OH: Obama hangs his head out his campaign bus window and loudly screams the words “abortion” and “middle-class” while tearing through town at 50 miles per hour
  • Londonderry, NH: Romney delivers a well-rehearsed story about spending time in the New Hampshire woods and enjoying all 27 different species of tree it had to offer
  • Cary, NC: Romney eats six different local delicacies at once, while simultaneously touring a factory in a hard hat, while delivering a speech on why America is the greatest nation on earth
  • Fairfax, VA: After a fatigued, sweating Obama falls to his knees during a stump speech, an aide puts a cape around his shoulders and begins to walk him offstage, only for the president to throw off the garment seconds later and burst back toward the mic to deliver more rousing alternative-energy talking points
  • West Palm Beach, FL: Romney wrestles an alligator, snaps its neck, and shouts, “No apologies”
  • Cincinnati, OH: Obama lays a trail of popcorn shrimp from each undecided voter’s apartment to the nearest polling station
  • San Francisco, CA: Romney explains to rally attendees that he accidentally got on the wrong flight and he’s sorry for wasting everyone’s time

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close