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Politics

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:
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Candidates' Last-Minute Appeals To Voters

With Election Day less than a week away, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are urgently barnstorming through key battleground states. Here are some of their last-minute efforts to secure crucial votes:

  • Sioux City, IA: At a campaign stop, Romney declares the apple pie at Ruth’s Diner the “most satisfactory pie in the state”
  • Marysville, OH: Obama hangs his head out his campaign bus window and loudly screams the words “abortion” and “middle-class” while tearing through town at 50 miles per hour
  • Londonderry, NH: Romney delivers a well-rehearsed story about spending time in the New Hampshire woods and enjoying all 27 different species of tree it had to offer
  • Cary, NC: Romney eats six different local delicacies at once, while simultaneously touring a factory in a hard hat, while delivering a speech on why America is the greatest nation on earth
  • Fairfax, VA: After a fatigued, sweating Obama falls to his knees during a stump speech, an aide puts a cape around his shoulders and begins to walk him offstage, only for the president to throw off the garment seconds later and burst back toward the mic to deliver more rousing alternative-energy talking points
  • West Palm Beach, FL: Romney wrestles an alligator, snaps its neck, and shouts, “No apologies”
  • Cincinnati, OH: Obama lays a trail of popcorn shrimp from each undecided voter’s apartment to the nearest polling station
  • San Francisco, CA: Romney explains to rally attendees that he accidentally got on the wrong flight and he’s sorry for wasting everyone’s time

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