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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs. We look back on his life and career:

  • 1945: Born in Deer Lodge, MT, where all kids could do for fun was wear suits and pace back and forth
  • 1963: Birth of Michael Jordan
  • 1975: While discussing plays during a timeout, Jackson decides he’d rather stay there on the sidelines than go back in and play
  • 1990: Jackson first implements the triangle offense with his Bulls team, the triangle being comprised of three Bulls players staying the hell out of the way of Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen
  • 1992: After winning back-to-back titles, Jackson comes up with the idea of doing it again the next year
  • 2004: Has the pleasure of seeing Karl Malone and Gary Payton lose in the Finals
  • 2004: After a long day of heated contract negotiations, goes home and fucks his boss's daughter repeatedly
  • 2011: Jackson ascends to a higher plane of coaching in a bright flash of pure white energy

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