After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games

Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video games:


  • Develops high-level thumb coordination needed to compete in today’s global economy
  • Avatar capable of running 50 yards without wheezing an excellent role model
  • Paying $14.99 for a DLC package with three measly new maps quickly teaches the value of a dollar
  • Never too early to get kids thinking about their post-apocalyptic future
  • Evidence suggests that video games slow the aging process among the 18-to-34 male demographic
  • Instills a valuable sense of caution around turtles
  • Deck already pretty stacked in favor of an unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle as it is


  • Plugging in system carries very real electrocution risk
  • Way too many species of Pokémon at this point for a kid to jump in cold
  • Golden age of television isn’t going to watch itself
  • Can increase violent tendencies depending on how recently game was autosaved
  • Completing games may lead children to believe that life’s problems are similarly solvable
  • Only matter of time before child overtakes your high score
  • Blurring of fantasy and reality best left to organized religion

After Birth

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