The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games

Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video games:


  • Develops high-level thumb coordination needed to compete in today’s global economy
  • Avatar capable of running 50 yards without wheezing an excellent role model
  • Paying $14.99 for a DLC package with three measly new maps quickly teaches the value of a dollar
  • Never too early to get kids thinking about their post-apocalyptic future
  • Evidence suggests that video games slow the aging process among the 18-to-34 male demographic
  • Instills a valuable sense of caution around turtles
  • Deck already pretty stacked in favor of an unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle as it is


  • Plugging in system carries very real electrocution risk
  • Way too many species of Pokémon at this point for a kid to jump in cold
  • Golden age of television isn’t going to watch itself
  • Can increase violent tendencies depending on how recently game was autosaved
  • Completing games may lead children to believe that life’s problems are similarly solvable
  • Only matter of time before child overtakes your high score
  • Blurring of fantasy and reality best left to organized religion

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