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Celebrating John Madden

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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Celebrating John Madden

As John Madden walks off into football history, we look at the moments that made him a legend:

1936: Mary Margaret Madden feels what she believes is her child kicking, but is in actuality her unborn son John eating his twin brother

1958: Is drafted by the Eagles, but spends too much time talking about their "smashmouth style of old-school football that really shows what the NFL is all about" to get much better at playing

1970s: Apparently coached football somewhere around this time period

1979: Madden develops a fear of flying when he asks a flight attendant what would happen if the airplane crashed, to which she responds, "We would almost certainly die"

1987: Has sex for the first time

1998: Announces 16 regular season games and entire NFC playoffs with several bratwurst stuck in his esophagus

2003: While no one is looking, tries stuffing a turducken into a cow

2009: Realizes the game has finally passed him by upon seeing Ben Roethlisberger and Santonio Holmes celebrate their Super Bowl victory by making out a little bit

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