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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
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Celebrity Drug Busts

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora is the latest in a rash of celebrities charged with DUI. What other celebrities have suffered public or legal embarrassment for being under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Alan Alda: Slightly dazed from a combination of Chablis and Flonase, Alda accidentally understated his interest income on Form 1040 Schedule B.

Charlie Rose: Video evidence shows Rose has been on ecstasy during every interview he's conducted since 1991.

Arianna Huffington: "Wooed" incessantly as an audience member during a taping of The Daily Show, even during the show's interview portion.

Amy Winehouse: Jaywalking.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke: Lowered interest rates to negative 7.3 percent.

Willie Nelson: Bought another ounce of marijuana from the same undercover cop who busted him a month earlier.

Al Gore: Staggered into middle of the street, stopping traffic while he flipped off the sun.

Dame Judi Dench: Bar fight. Again.

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