Celine's Baby

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Vol 37 Issue 04

'Mr. Falafel' Owner Does Not Actually Like Being Addressed As Mr. Falafel

DETROIT–In a candid interview Monday, Elias Nawaz, owner of the Mr. Falafel restaurant on Telegraph Road, asserted that he does not like to be called Mr. Falafel. "Please call me Mr. Nawaz," he said. "Or, if you wish to be less formal, you can call me Elias. But my name is not Mr. Falafel." Nawaz added that anyone asking to speak to "Mrs. Falafel" would be ignored outright.

Woman Panics After Accidentally Getting Into Exact-Change Lane

DES PLAINES, IL–Motorist Gloria Eckstrom, 64, panicked Monday after accidentally entering an I-90 toll-booth lane explicitly marked "Exact Change Only." "Oh, my goodness," said Eckstrom, the flow of traffic carrying her toward a basket into which she would soon be expected to toss 40 cents. "I'm in the wrong lane." Eckstrom was able to merge into a nearby "Manual" lane at the last possible moment, averting disaster.

Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.

High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight

IRVINE, CA–With great trepidation, Irvine West High School teacher Ted Broussard broke up a hallway fistfight Monday between students Rick Anders and Jeff Streed. "That would have been a great fight," Broussard said. "I would have loved to see those two go at it. Too bad I was required to put a stop to it." Broussard noted that despite his smaller size, Anders "probably could've taken [Streed]."
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Celine's Baby

After years of publicly wishing for a child, Celine Dion finally gave birth to a son on Jan. 25. How is the world reacting to the blessed event?
After years of publicly wishing for a child, Celine Dion finally gave birth to a son on Jan. 25. How is the world reacting to the blessed event?

After years of publicly wishing for a child, Celine Dion finally gave birth to a son on Jan. 25. How is the world reacting to the blessed event?

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