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Vol 36 Issue 29

Critics Accuse New Movie Of Glorifying Sex

HOLLYWOOD, CA–The Five Senses, a new film from Fine Line Features starring Mary-Louise Parker and Philippe Volter, is drawing fire from conservative Christian groups who charge that it glorifies sex. "Billing itself as 'a touching exploration of human perceptions and dynamics,' The Five Senses is filled with images of adults engaged in intimate acts of sexual union," said Focus On The Family executive director Michael White. "By depicting it so frequently and so casually, this film only serves to condone the act of lovemaking." White added that sexual imagery in Hollywood films is largely to blame for "the proliferation of sexuality in society."

Husband Points Out That He Vacuumed

BOISE, ID–Area husband Will Grantham, proud of his contribution to the household chores, made special note to his wife Monday that he vacuumed the living room and hallway. "I took care of the vacuuming," Grantham told wife Emily as she scrubbed mildew out of the shower tile grout. "There might be some lint under the sofa, but I got all the visible parts." Grantham previously made headlines for his 1997 unsolicited wiping of dust from a den bookshelf.

Area Organization Pro-White, Ain't Anti-Nobody

WAYCROSS, GA–The International Knights Of The White Race, a Waycross-based "Caucasian advocacy" group, is about celebratin' one's own whiteness and ain't about hatin' nobody, Exalted High Commander Clem Hooton said Monday. "The Knights is about bein' white and proud. We don't tell nobody to go out beatin' on no blacks or nothin'," Hooton said. "Like it say on our pamphletures, we officially ain't responsible for what y'all do, 'cause we about getting together to celebrate our genetric superiosity in a real peaceable manner."

Man Insists On Calling Fanny Pack 'Lumbar Satchel'

LORAIN, OH–According to coworkers, Novitech systems administrator Ted Shiner insists on referring to his fanny pack as a "lumbar satchel." "I asked him if he had the key to the fifth-floor men's room, and he tells me to get it out of his 'lumbar satchel,'" account manager Fred Weyert said of the ponytailed, 29-year-old Shiner. "I had to ask him, like, three more times and go through having him describe exactly where it was on his desk before I realized he was talking about his damn fanny pack."

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

When I Put Something In Italics, I Mean It

I've been office manager at Johnson Railing Supply, central Missouri's largest wholesaler of rails, for more than seven years. And in that time, I've had the chance to hone my writing skills in countless company memos, bulletin-board announcements, and break-room signs. With all this writing experience, I have the ability to cut through excess verbiage and get my message across clearly and effectively. But, despite this expertise, I've found there are those who fail to respond appropriately to strongly worded directives. They fail to understand that when I put something in italics, I mean it.

Roach Motel

As my more astute readers will no doubt recall, about three weeks back, I was mysteriously transformed into a gigantic cock-roach. Though the change has been decidedly odd and shows no sign of reverting any-time soon, I must confess that I am having the time of my life. I can now eat all the foods that age and infirmity once denied me: binding-glue, horse-dung, toe-nail parings, silver-fish–everything! I can carry myself about my enormous mansion, though I cannot seem to keep from disappearing under furniture whenever the lights are suddenly switched on. I can even climb to the ceiling and suspend myself for a time. (It is quite luxurious to sway in the air-currents and doze off!) I leave a much smaller slime trail than I did as an aged gentle-man, and if my looks are not much improved, I gather that my odor most certainly is.

Lawn-And-Garden Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:

Millions Participate In Cuban Version Of Survivor

HAVANA, CUBA–Inspired by the hit CBS show Survivor, Cuba's 11 million citizens are participating in their own version of the popular island-survival game. "I hope very much to make it to next week," said contestant Livan Ordonez, eating a rat as part of a "Starvation-Immunity Challenge" during last Wednesday's episode. "If I do not survive, who will provide for the Ordonez Tribe?" Under the somewhat altered rules for Cuban Survivor, contestants who fail to remain on the island are declared the winners.
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Cell-Phone Safety

Cell-phone use in automobiles is a growing problem, with more and more accidents involving distracted drivers. What is the government doing to combat the problem?
Cell-phone use in automobiles is a growing problem, with more and more accidents involving distracted drivers. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Cell-phone use in automobiles is a growing problem, with more and more accidents involving distracted drivers. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

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