CEO Resignations

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 23

Golf Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way."

Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans

AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days?

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems piled up to my chin. First off, my car is all fucked up. I don't even know why. All I know is, it usually quits running after about 20 minutes, and I have to let it cool down for at least an hour before I can get it going again. That thing is a baby, and not in the good way. You know, not like, "That's my baby," but more like, "Quit your crying, ya fuckin' baby!"
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

CEO Resignations

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.
Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More