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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Championship Celebration Moments

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:

  • 1984: After watching Fuzzy Zoeller take the U.S. Open title, more than 800,000 fans crowd the streets of lower Manhattan, trying desperately to get just one glimpse of their beloved hero
  • 1991: Pro Bowl MVP Jim Kelly rides the lead float through throngs of cheering AFC fans in downtown AFC City
  • 1994: Hakeem Olajuwon is strapped to the top of a station wagon so his head won’t slam into Houston's many low-clearance tunnels
  • 1997: Michael Jordan heroically overcomes the flu to sit on a float for an hour and glare at Chicagoans
  • 2001: The Arizona Diamondbacks regret not naming themselves the Phoenix Diamondbacks, as they have to spend 14 months attending a parade in each town in the state
  • 2010: The world champion New Orleans Saints hold the dullest, quietest, least-interesting parade in city history
  • 2019: When the underdog Vikings finally win a Super Bowl after many unsuccessful trips, the resulting jubilation and exuberance spills out into the streets of their home city, totally shutting Los Angeles down

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