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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Championship Celebration Moments

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:

  • 1984: After watching Fuzzy Zoeller take the U.S. Open title, more than 800,000 fans crowd the streets of lower Manhattan, trying desperately to get just one glimpse of their beloved hero
  • 1991: Pro Bowl MVP Jim Kelly rides the lead float through throngs of cheering AFC fans in downtown AFC City
  • 1994: Hakeem Olajuwon is strapped to the top of a station wagon so his head won’t slam into Houston's many low-clearance tunnels
  • 1997: Michael Jordan heroically overcomes the flu to sit on a float for an hour and glare at Chicagoans
  • 2001: The Arizona Diamondbacks regret not naming themselves the Phoenix Diamondbacks, as they have to spend 14 months attending a parade in each town in the state
  • 2010: The world champion New Orleans Saints hold the dullest, quietest, least-interesting parade in city history
  • 2019: When the underdog Vikings finally win a Super Bowl after many unsuccessful trips, the resulting jubilation and exuberance spills out into the streets of their home city, totally shutting Los Angeles down

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