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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Championship Celebration Moments

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:

  • 1984: After watching Fuzzy Zoeller take the U.S. Open title, more than 800,000 fans crowd the streets of lower Manhattan, trying desperately to get just one glimpse of their beloved hero
  • 1991: Pro Bowl MVP Jim Kelly rides the lead float through throngs of cheering AFC fans in downtown AFC City
  • 1994: Hakeem Olajuwon is strapped to the top of a station wagon so his head won’t slam into Houston's many low-clearance tunnels
  • 1997: Michael Jordan heroically overcomes the flu to sit on a float for an hour and glare at Chicagoans
  • 2001: The Arizona Diamondbacks regret not naming themselves the Phoenix Diamondbacks, as they have to spend 14 months attending a parade in each town in the state
  • 2010: The world champion New Orleans Saints hold the dullest, quietest, least-interesting parade in city history
  • 2019: When the underdog Vikings finally win a Super Bowl after many unsuccessful trips, the resulting jubilation and exuberance spills out into the streets of their home city, totally shutting Los Angeles down

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