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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Changes To The SAT

The College Board has announced that it is making extensive, fundamental changes to the SATs in order to better evaluate today’s high school students. Here are some of the upcoming revisions:

  • In order to reduce the emphasis on writing style over critical thinking, the test will replace traditional essay portion with new multiple-choice essay section
  • Prevents cheating by issuing each exam taker his own custom SAT with unique questions and answers
  • In response to accusations of cultural bias, all questions to now only refer to 13th-century Mongolia
  • After eight years with current scoring system, reverts back to old 0.5867-point scale with two separate 0.29335-point sections
  • Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test
  • Removes several questions about what the student is wearing
  • Reading comprehension section will test students on their ability to differentiate between the foolhardy Goofus and his more responsible brother, Gallant
  • Test will include at least one silly, fun question
  • Few more changes that won’t make a difference to considerable percentage of students who’ve gone their entire lives without proper educational resources
  • Eliminates stress by reminding test takers that whatever college they’re admitted to, they still won’t be able to get a job

More from this section

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

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