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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Changes To The SAT

The College Board has announced that it is making extensive, fundamental changes to the SATs in order to better evaluate today’s high school students. Here are some of the upcoming revisions:

  • In order to reduce the emphasis on writing style over critical thinking, the test will replace traditional essay portion with new multiple-choice essay section
  • Prevents cheating by issuing each exam taker his own custom SAT with unique questions and answers
  • In response to accusations of cultural bias, all questions to now only refer to 13th-century Mongolia
  • After eight years with current scoring system, reverts back to old 0.5867-point scale with two separate 0.29335-point sections
  • Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test
  • Removes several questions about what the student is wearing
  • Reading comprehension section will test students on their ability to differentiate between the foolhardy Goofus and his more responsible brother, Gallant
  • Test will include at least one silly, fun question
  • Few more changes that won’t make a difference to considerable percentage of students who’ve gone their entire lives without proper educational resources
  • Eliminates stress by reminding test takers that whatever college they’re admitted to, they still won’t be able to get a job
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