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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Changes To The SAT

The College Board has announced that it is making extensive, fundamental changes to the SATs in order to better evaluate today’s high school students. Here are some of the upcoming revisions:

  • In order to reduce the emphasis on writing style over critical thinking, the test will replace traditional essay portion with new multiple-choice essay section
  • Prevents cheating by issuing each exam taker his own custom SAT with unique questions and answers
  • In response to accusations of cultural bias, all questions to now only refer to 13th-century Mongolia
  • After eight years with current scoring system, reverts back to old 0.5867-point scale with two separate 0.29335-point sections
  • Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test
  • Removes several questions about what the student is wearing
  • Reading comprehension section will test students on their ability to differentiate between the foolhardy Goofus and his more responsible brother, Gallant
  • Test will include at least one silly, fun question
  • Few more changes that won’t make a difference to considerable percentage of students who’ve gone their entire lives without proper educational resources
  • Eliminates stress by reminding test takers that whatever college they’re admitted to, they still won’t be able to get a job

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