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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Changes To The SAT

The College Board has announced that it is making extensive, fundamental changes to the SATs in order to better evaluate today’s high school students. Here are some of the upcoming revisions:

  • In order to reduce the emphasis on writing style over critical thinking, the test will replace traditional essay portion with new multiple-choice essay section
  • Prevents cheating by issuing each exam taker his own custom SAT with unique questions and answers
  • In response to accusations of cultural bias, all questions to now only refer to 13th-century Mongolia
  • After eight years with current scoring system, reverts back to old 0.5867-point scale with two separate 0.29335-point sections
  • Places mint on the first page of the booklet to welcome students to the test
  • Removes several questions about what the student is wearing
  • Reading comprehension section will test students on their ability to differentiate between the foolhardy Goofus and his more responsible brother, Gallant
  • Test will include at least one silly, fun question
  • Few more changes that won’t make a difference to considerable percentage of students who’ve gone their entire lives without proper educational resources
  • Eliminates stress by reminding test takers that whatever college they’re admitted to, they still won’t be able to get a job

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