Chaps Unnecessary

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Vol 39 Issue 39

Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over." Madrid has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.

8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string arrangement. "Following the untimely death of John Ritter, it's only appropriate that we repackage this madcap parenting comedy as a very special tribute to a man whose life touched us all," said producer Tim Sharbarth. "I mean, the episodes are in the can. We've gotta air them. Luckily, with the addition of new music by cellist Yo Yo Ma, the episodes offer a chance for the viewing public to say goodbye to John, a beloved legend of physical comedy." Promos for the show, which used to feature choice sexual wisecracks, now contain a message from Ritter's "TV family" and clips of the sitcom's characters hugging.

Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin''

WASHINGTON, DC—The government agency responsible for enforcing broadcast-decency laws can do nothing to stop rampant use of the word "friggin'," Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael K. Powell said Monday. "Everyone knows what it really means when someone uses that word," Powell said. "Still, we hear it all over the morning radio shows, all the time. Oooh, it burns me up. Those DJs aren't fooling anyone, certainly not us here at the FCC. But sadly, our hands are tied." Powell suggested that users of the non-profanity just grow up.

Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status

DAYTON, OH—Hurley's Pub bartender Don O'Hagan once again refused to acknowledge Henry Wells' status as a regular patron, the disappointed customer reported Tuesday. "I've been coming here for nearly two years, and I don't get so much as a nod of recognition when I sit down," said Wells, who estimated he's ordered a Bushmills with a splash of water from O'Hagan nearly 500 times. "I don't expect this place to be like Cheers, I just think that I deserve be treated like a human being, is all." Wells said he seriously considered not leaving a tip on his next round.

Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming

Ahoy thar, mateys! I see ye be gazin' upon me parrot Isabelle. Quite a keen fair lass, she be! Aye, but mark well me words: Thar be quite a lot o' work in carin' for a likely creature as she. Why, some scurvy swabs think a bowl o' seed an' a friendly shoulder be enough to please a bird from Gibraltar to Macao, but that be a d—n sight from truthful, I assure ye. What ho—I espy a calm driftin' in from the nor'-nor'-east—strike the mizzensail, me tars, an' lay-to as I tell ye what ye need to keep yer parrot a healthy an' happy crewmate.

CIA Leak Probed

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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