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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Charlie Weis' Most Notable Notre Dame Moments

Charlie Weis has been fired as head coach of the Fighting Irish after five mostly troubled seasons. We look back on his tumultuous Notre Dame career.

  • 2004: Sports Illustrated announces Weis' hiring with two-page article titled "NOTRE DAME UNABLE TO GET URBAN MEYER"
  • 2005: Notre Dame offers Weis a 10-year extension after the Irish defense holds the Pitt offense to a 2-yard gain in the second quarter of Weis' first game
  • 2005: Weis promises the Irish will never go less than 2-3 against Michigan State on his watch
  • 2006: Weis learns that the foul-smelling string of beads hanging in quarterback Brady Quinn's locker is not a rosary
  • 2007: Though it takes six hours, a safety harness, two ladders, and a visit from the South Bend Fire Department, Weis finally touches the "Play Like a Champion Today" sign
  • 2008: In Weis' finest moment as coach of the Irish, a Quiznos opens half a block from the stadium
  • 2009: Under Weis' careful tutelage, running back Armando Allen gains 6 yards up the middle on second down in the third quarter against Nevada
  • 2015: Weis' 10-year contract runs out, capping an era of unparalleled success for Fighting Irish football

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