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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Chelsea Clinton Getting Married

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials:

  • Misguided toast from drunk uncle about Chelsea's "ugly years"
  • Continuing a White House tradition, Chelsea will wear the famous wedding dress worn by such former first daughters as Jenna Bush, Caroline Kennedy, Tricia Nixon, and Margaret Truman
  • An ultimately unsuccessful but surprisingly robust challenge from the wedding of Ross Perot's daughter
  • Photo booth manned by Annie Leibovitz
  • Countless requests to have groom pointed out
  • Janet Reno finally catching the bouquet
  • Liberal elite drowning themselves in the fruit borne of overtaxing the middle-class
  • A self-indulgent New York Times Weddings section write-up to end all self-indulgent New York Times Weddings section write-ups

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