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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Cheney's New Memoir

Former vice president Dick Cheney promised to have 'heads exploding' with his new memoir, In My Time. Here are some revelations from the book:

  • Eats his tuna can-and-all
  • Throughout book, American public told to shut up
  • When he said American troops would "be greeted as liberators" in Iraq, he meant it, and he still believes it
  • Somehow obtained and continues to possess all of the U.S. nuclear launch codes
  • Is only able to speak out of the left side of his mouth due to a massive stroke that has been ongoing since 1983
  • Once in late 2003, he let out a series of coarse wheezes that he confirmed was human laughter
  • He first got the idea for water-boarding after watching his entire family slowly drown
  • Really just the nicest guy you'll ever meet

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