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Chilean Miners Rescued

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Chilean Miners Rescued

Last week saw the dramatic rescue of 33 Chileans who spent a harrowing 69 days trapped in the Copiapó copper and gold mine. Here's how they spent their time underground:

  • Day 5: Someone finally gets brave enough to ask the guy who's been crying since Day 2 his name again
  • Day 8: All got really scared when a couple of the guys thought they saw a bat
  • Day 14: Still-surviving canary starts to piss everyone off
  • Day 18: Killed that asshole Diego who wouldn't shut up and told the surface crew that they had miscounted and there were, in fact, only 33 miners down there
  • Day 32: Contest to see who could eat the most gold ended in a 33-way tie
  • Day 40: Found tunnel to surface; decided not to tell the rescuers
  • Day 68: Tearful goodbyes to the Mole Men
  • Day 69: Shrugging off declarations of love and faith uttered inside the mine

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