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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Chilean Miners Rescued

Last week saw the dramatic rescue of 33 Chileans who spent a harrowing 69 days trapped in the Copiapó copper and gold mine. Here's how they spent their time underground:

  • Day 5: Someone finally gets brave enough to ask the guy who's been crying since Day 2 his name again
  • Day 8: All got really scared when a couple of the guys thought they saw a bat
  • Day 14: Still-surviving canary starts to piss everyone off
  • Day 18: Killed that asshole Diego who wouldn't shut up and told the surface crew that they had miscounted and there were, in fact, only 33 miners down there
  • Day 32: Contest to see who could eat the most gold ended in a 33-way tie
  • Day 40: Found tunnel to surface; decided not to tell the rescuers
  • Day 68: Tearful goodbyes to the Mole Men
  • Day 69: Shrugging off declarations of love and faith uttered inside the mine

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