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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life of millions. Here are some measures that China is taking to deal with the thick smog:

  • Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money
  • Compressing pollution into plastic ice cube trays and corn holders to sell to Americans
  • Ending use of gas-powered desks in all government buildings
  • Shooting dead any Tibetan before they have a chance to self-immolate and further pollute air
  • Asking ancestors to blow away smog with some sort of spirit wind or whatever
  • Building sweatshops to create millions and millions of tiny plastic fans
  • Planting a tree somewhere
  • Informing the populace that there is no smog
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