China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.
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Race Relations

Energy

China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life of millions. Here are some measures that China is taking to deal with the thick smog:

  • Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money
  • Compressing pollution into plastic ice cube trays and corn holders to sell to Americans
  • Ending use of gas-powered desks in all government buildings
  • Shooting dead any Tibetan before they have a chance to self-immolate and further pollute air
  • Asking ancestors to blow away smog with some sort of spirit wind or whatever
  • Building sweatshops to create millions and millions of tiny plastic fans
  • Planting a tree somewhere
  • Informing the populace that there is no smog
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