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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life of millions. Here are some measures that China is taking to deal with the thick smog:

  • Gaining leverage over the smog by lending it enormous amounts of money
  • Compressing pollution into plastic ice cube trays and corn holders to sell to Americans
  • Ending use of gas-powered desks in all government buildings
  • Shooting dead any Tibetan before they have a chance to self-immolate and further pollute air
  • Asking ancestors to blow away smog with some sort of spirit wind or whatever
  • Building sweatshops to create millions and millions of tiny plastic fans
  • Planting a tree somewhere
  • Informing the populace that there is no smog

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