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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Chinese Doctoring Public Perception During Olympics

In the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympics, the Chinese digitally enhanced a fireworks display and replaced a 7-year-old singing girl with a "cuter" lip-syncher.

In what other ways have the Chinese been trying to cover up perceived imperfections?

Entire Wenchuan region, which was devastated by the 8.0-magnitude earthquake in May, has been covered with a 1,600-square-mile canvas bearing the phrase "Go for the gold!"

Calling canoeing competitions "interesting"

Beijing's homeless have been freeze-dried and painted to resemble terra-cotta warriors

Opening drumming sequence performed entirely by professional drummers who had undergone months of rehearsal

Extra soy sauce

Cotton balls glued into sickly pandas' bald spots

Entire Chinese population CGI-ed

Holding massive two-week sporting spectacle to distract from environmental calamities, mass poverty, and human rights abuse

After Birth

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