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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Chinese National Found Guilty Of Stealing Trade Secrets

A former Motorola software engineer was found guilty of stealing industrial secrets, though acquitted of charges she intended to commit espionage on behalf of China. Here are some of the secrets she may have been trying to smuggle out of the country:

  • The plots to the next three Droid commercials
  • Motorola is poised to shift all its efforts back to CB radios should the market for them ever return
  • Schematics for an alarm that chooses when it works
  • Experimental prototype of tri-fold flip phone
  • Code for turning :) into little cartoon
  • Closely guarded, highly advanced tablet and smartphone tech specs that Motorola originally stole from Apple and Samsung
  • Text thread where Tyler totally admits he cheated on Brandy
  • How to make the most cutting-edge, desirable mobile phone of 2004

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