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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Chinese National Found Guilty Of Stealing Trade Secrets

A former Motorola software engineer was found guilty of stealing industrial secrets, though acquitted of charges she intended to commit espionage on behalf of China. Here are some of the secrets she may have been trying to smuggle out of the country:

  • The plots to the next three Droid commercials
  • Motorola is poised to shift all its efforts back to CB radios should the market for them ever return
  • Schematics for an alarm that chooses when it works
  • Experimental prototype of tri-fold flip phone
  • Code for turning :) into little cartoon
  • Closely guarded, highly advanced tablet and smartphone tech specs that Motorola originally stole from Apple and Samsung
  • Text thread where Tyler totally admits he cheated on Brandy
  • How to make the most cutting-edge, desirable mobile phone of 2004
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