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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Choosing Your Candidate

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you:

  • Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, because it could come down to free throws.
  • If you have more than four Ron Paul bumper stickers on your car, you should really consider voting for Ron Paul.
  • A candidate should love the United States. Did you hear the candidate say the words “I love the United States”? If he didn’t, maybe he does not love the United States.
  • Mention the candidate’s name in a biker bar and see if anyone gets scared.
  • Assess his attractiveness. This is someone you may need to die in a war for, after all.
  • Fashion isn’t everything, but it’s important to note. Ideally, you should choose a candidate who would never in a million years wear what you’re wearing right now.
  • Test his ability to explain a complex social issue with an easily digestible choo-choo train metaphor.
  • Picture yourself on a date with the candidate. Did he hold the door for you? Did he buy you flowers? Were they roses? Who the fuck buys roses? Someone who won’t be getting your vote, that’s for sure.

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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