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Choosing Your Candidate

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Choosing Your Candidate

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you:

  • Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, because it could come down to free throws.
  • If you have more than four Ron Paul bumper stickers on your car, you should really consider voting for Ron Paul.
  • A candidate should love the United States. Did you hear the candidate say the words “I love the United States”? If he didn’t, maybe he does not love the United States.
  • Mention the candidate’s name in a biker bar and see if anyone gets scared.
  • Assess his attractiveness. This is someone you may need to die in a war for, after all.
  • Fashion isn’t everything, but it’s important to note. Ideally, you should choose a candidate who would never in a million years wear what you’re wearing right now.
  • Test his ability to explain a complex social issue with an easily digestible choo-choo train metaphor.
  • Picture yourself on a date with the candidate. Did he hold the door for you? Did he buy you flowers? Were they roses? Who the fuck buys roses? Someone who won’t be getting your vote, that’s for sure.

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