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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Choosing Your Candidate

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you:

  • Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, because it could come down to free throws.
  • If you have more than four Ron Paul bumper stickers on your car, you should really consider voting for Ron Paul.
  • A candidate should love the United States. Did you hear the candidate say the words “I love the United States”? If he didn’t, maybe he does not love the United States.
  • Mention the candidate’s name in a biker bar and see if anyone gets scared.
  • Assess his attractiveness. This is someone you may need to die in a war for, after all.
  • Fashion isn’t everything, but it’s important to note. Ideally, you should choose a candidate who would never in a million years wear what you’re wearing right now.
  • Test his ability to explain a complex social issue with an easily digestible choo-choo train metaphor.
  • Picture yourself on a date with the candidate. Did he hold the door for you? Did he buy you flowers? Were they roses? Who the fuck buys roses? Someone who won’t be getting your vote, that’s for sure.

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