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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Choosing Your Candidate

During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you:

  • Don’t vote for anyone who can’t make free throws, because it could come down to free throws.
  • If you have more than four Ron Paul bumper stickers on your car, you should really consider voting for Ron Paul.
  • A candidate should love the United States. Did you hear the candidate say the words “I love the United States”? If he didn’t, maybe he does not love the United States.
  • Mention the candidate’s name in a biker bar and see if anyone gets scared.
  • Assess his attractiveness. This is someone you may need to die in a war for, after all.
  • Fashion isn’t everything, but it’s important to note. Ideally, you should choose a candidate who would never in a million years wear what you’re wearing right now.
  • Test his ability to explain a complex social issue with an easily digestible choo-choo train metaphor.
  • Picture yourself on a date with the candidate. Did he hold the door for you? Did he buy you flowers? Were they roses? Who the fuck buys roses? Someone who won’t be getting your vote, that’s for sure.

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