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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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CIA's Authorized Torture Practices

The New York Times uncovered memoranda of secret Justice Department legal opinions regarding methods of interrogating enemy combatants. What interrogation practices were deemed allowable?

Middle seat in coach on flight between Jacksonville, FL and Las Vegas, with stopover in Chicago

Setting prisoner atop dunk tank, asking one question, tossing baseball

Repeating everything suspect says in mocking, nasally voice

Using the Flegamajunka Technique, which is pretty much anything the interrogator needs it to be

Conducting the interrogation while eating a really big, delicious piece of cheesecake

Water/sand/sawdust/
cobra/concrete/glue/vodka-boarding

Anything featured on the previous night's episode of 24

Asking politely

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