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CIA's Authorized Torture Practices

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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CIA's Authorized Torture Practices

The New York Times uncovered memoranda of secret Justice Department legal opinions regarding methods of interrogating enemy combatants. What interrogation practices were deemed allowable?

Middle seat in coach on flight between Jacksonville, FL and Las Vegas, with stopover in Chicago

Setting prisoner atop dunk tank, asking one question, tossing baseball

Repeating everything suspect says in mocking, nasally voice

Using the Flegamajunka Technique, which is pretty much anything the interrogator needs it to be

Conducting the interrogation while eating a really big, delicious piece of cheesecake

Water/sand/sawdust/
cobra/concrete/glue/vodka-boarding

Anything featured on the previous night's episode of 24

Asking politely

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