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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton's Schedule Released

In order to assist her presidential bid, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has made public 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's calendar while she was in the White House. Here are some of the notable excerpts:

Feb. 16, 1993, 10:15 a.m.—Pick Cambridge, VT as village that will raise Chelsea during her father's term.

March 11, 1993, 8:59 a.m.—Take deep breath; 9:00 a.m.—Introduce new, shorter haircut to American people.

April 27, 1994, 3:00 p.m.—Finish The New York Times crossword puzzle during Nixon's funeral.

Dec. 20, 1995, 7 p.m.—Attempt to decorate White House Christmas tree, then put down box of ornaments, say "This is bullshit," and walk out.

Jan. 25, 1996, 4:15 p.m.—Document Shred-a-Thon '96.

Aug. 21, 1999, 4:38 a.m.—After screening The Sixth Sense, order Secret Service to check on every noise you hear during the night.

Sept. 18, 1999, 5:00 p.m.—Sigh wistfully, pine for Arkansas, a place you never really got to know...not really.

Jan. 19, 2001, 5:00 p.m.— Buy New York Yankees hat. Run over it with car three or four times to give it worn look.

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