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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Clinton's Schedule Released

In order to assist her presidential bid, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has made public 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's calendar while she was in the White House. Here are some of the notable excerpts:

Feb. 16, 1993, 10:15 a.m.—Pick Cambridge, VT as village that will raise Chelsea during her father's term.

March 11, 1993, 8:59 a.m.—Take deep breath; 9:00 a.m.—Introduce new, shorter haircut to American people.

April 27, 1994, 3:00 p.m.—Finish The New York Times crossword puzzle during Nixon's funeral.

Dec. 20, 1995, 7 p.m.—Attempt to decorate White House Christmas tree, then put down box of ornaments, say "This is bullshit," and walk out.

Jan. 25, 1996, 4:15 p.m.—Document Shred-a-Thon '96.

Aug. 21, 1999, 4:38 a.m.—After screening The Sixth Sense, order Secret Service to check on every noise you hear during the night.

Sept. 18, 1999, 5:00 p.m.—Sigh wistfully, pine for Arkansas, a place you never really got to know...not really.

Jan. 19, 2001, 5:00 p.m.— Buy New York Yankees hat. Run over it with car three or four times to give it worn look.

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