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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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College Football Highlights 2009

As the national championship game approaches, we take a moment to reflect on the standout moments of the 2009 NCAA football season.

  • Week 1: Just before the opening kickoff of his first game of the season, Tim Tebow wins the 2009 Heisman
  • Week 4: Defensive end Adrian Clayborn gets the momentum going for Iowa in their win over Penn State after he blocks a punt and returns it 53 yards, then kicks an onside kick, recovers the fumble, and leads the team downfield with an eight-play, 46-yard drive
  • Week 5: By riding out the clock at the end of its victory against Utah State, BYU achieves its time-of-posession goal of 31 minutes and 15 seconds
  • Week 9: The phrase "I think the basketball team is supposed to be pretty good this year" overheard in dining halls across the Notre Dame campus
  • Week 11: Boise State complains about how the WAC gets no respect through entire 63-25 win over Idaho
  • Week 12: Some team you've never heard of from a terrible conference you've never heard of continues its undefeated season
  • Week 14: West Virginia linebacker J.T. Thomas makes a genius—albeit a bit unorthodox—decision to catch a pass from Rutgers quarterback Tom Savage with two minutes to play, which, in accordance with NCAA rules, gives West Virginia possession of the ball
  • Week 15: Some guy in a suit taps Nebraska tackle Ndamukong Suh on the shoulder and hands him the Bronko Nagurski Trophy
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