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College Football Highlights 2009

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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College Football Highlights 2009

As the national championship game approaches, we take a moment to reflect on the standout moments of the 2009 NCAA football season.

  • Week 1: Just before the opening kickoff of his first game of the season, Tim Tebow wins the 2009 Heisman
  • Week 4: Defensive end Adrian Clayborn gets the momentum going for Iowa in their win over Penn State after he blocks a punt and returns it 53 yards, then kicks an onside kick, recovers the fumble, and leads the team downfield with an eight-play, 46-yard drive
  • Week 5: By riding out the clock at the end of its victory against Utah State, BYU achieves its time-of-posession goal of 31 minutes and 15 seconds
  • Week 9: The phrase "I think the basketball team is supposed to be pretty good this year" overheard in dining halls across the Notre Dame campus
  • Week 11: Boise State complains about how the WAC gets no respect through entire 63-25 win over Idaho
  • Week 12: Some team you've never heard of from a terrible conference you've never heard of continues its undefeated season
  • Week 14: West Virginia linebacker J.T. Thomas makes a genius—albeit a bit unorthodox—decision to catch a pass from Rutgers quarterback Tom Savage with two minutes to play, which, in accordance with NCAA rules, gives West Virginia possession of the ball
  • Week 15: Some guy in a suit taps Nebraska tackle Ndamukong Suh on the shoulder and hands him the Bronko Nagurski Trophy
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